I just realized something...

I was thinking... I really like Nico, but I love Joe.


No.

I don't love anyone.

Not even him. I just really like him. A lot.


My sister doesn't even love her boyfriend and they've been dating for over a year.

Joe made me think I loved him. Nico, I think I did love him. Last year, though.

How did Joe make me think I loved him? One day he asked me how much I like him, and I said "a lot." and he said "Do you love me?" and I said "I don't think so." And he said "You know you love me :)" So I said "I guess so." And ever since then, I thought I loved him.

He says he isn't mad at me, yet he doesn't text me. Ever. I texted him today "Hi" and he said "Hi" and I said "whats up" and he never answered. So he doesn't like me. Why should I like him at all?

I shouldn't. I wish I didn't, but then again, I've liked him for almost a year now, and he only knew for a little while. 


I remember every day from June 1st to today. Every conversation. Him calling me cute, then pretty, then saying he'd date me, then saying he did like me, then denying that he liked me, to this. To nothing. To me getting to the point that I really seriously miss him. That I'm about to cry. That he doesn't know anything. 


I wish I could send him something. Saying everything that he doesn't know. Or at least what he didn't understand in the past.


I'll make it up right now. Here it is:




Hi. I know you know most of this already.. but what I really wanted to say, is that it's come to the point that I really do miss you. I almost doubt liking you anymore. I bet you're happy about that. I barely know what to say. I feel like I already said it all. But I haven't. You don't even know half of it. I don't go one day without thinking about you, wishing you talked to me still, wishing you knew all this&more. I know very well that you don't like me, and I guess I understand. Well, I respect it. I know that. At the plaza, I don't know what happened to me. I guess it was because I hadn't seen you in over a month and I thought I really did love you. But I realized I don't. My sister really convinced me by telling me she didn't even love her boyfriend and they've been going out for over a year. I do but don't know what to say to you. I thought I loved you because those songs and quotes started to make me think of you. I bet you hate this. Me talking to you like this. It makes me wonder what you think of me by now. You probably do but don't want to know what I think of you. I have no clue. I wish I knew what you thought about me since the first week of school until now. And forever into the future. My question is why are only girls like this? Why do we... why do I have this much to say? All the time. And you have NOTHING to ever say really. I remember us playing that game that I loved to play but could never think of anything for and you were amazing at it. I miss that. I miss you. I wish I could see you. If you heard some things I say about you, or if you ever saw what I write not just about you but exactly what I think about you, you would be mesmerized. Or at least just say "Wow." I really wish it didn't get to the point that I had to write this&everything else I have written. I always imagine that in just some random place I would see you and I'd imagine what would happen.. You normally end up ignoring me. Why do I imagine that? Because it's what would happen. Just the other day, I asked my sister "Should I text Joe?" because yes, she knows about you.. and she said "Do whatever you want, Kiddo." so I did. I wish you knew some of those songs and quotes that mean things. It would change some things... Sorry you had to read this.. 




That's what I would say. And yeah, I just typed that all now. I love him. But that wouldn't fit in my text thing. It would take 10+ messages. Literally.. 




I wonder if I love Joe, and I really like Nico.<3






--Ashley